Tags: biggie smalls

While don’t want to give the entire run down of the von Rumenstien family holiday I will just bring up some of the finer points.

• The neighbor children came around after dinner to watch “A Christmas Story.” Unbeknownst to them I had recorded over the entire second half with video i captured of their father sexually assaulting the statue of the virgin mary I keep on the lawn.
• Czarek Leopold Kielbaski and I strolled about the more downtrodden areas of the city offering the homeless and ugly dinner. Often they complained that the turkey wasn’t very good. And with the threat of a healthy tasering I reminded them that “beggars and the ugly are not to be choosers.”
• Holidazzle!
• In observance of Buy Nothing Day I bought extra, only to take it to the nature reserve and burn it. That way I could be sure no one else would be buying those 50 gallons of gasoline.
• Looked at some internet porn.
• Thanked my servants as many as two times for the wonderful meal. And reminded James, the gardener, that I would like to thank his newly 18 year old daughter for all the hard work her father has done.
• Pledged $3000 to NPR under the name Jennifer Larson of Antioch, California.
• Tried to wrap my head around the disconnect of Transworld Business claiming prints were over for oh-ten, yet some many of the samples they showed were prints.
• Chuckled to myself as I remembered prints were over in 07
• Wept silently to myself for the better part of four days, because I am a lonely old man with no one to care for and visit over the holidays. When needed I had my assistant wipe away my tears with $100 bills. Oh the chaffing.

Tags: Czarek, Holiday cheer!, The Poor

Well, Turkey Day is tomorrow, and many people couldn’t be happier. Many people have the day off from work, and even Friday and the rest of the weekend. It’s a time to get together with friends and family…stuff our faces with food…and keep being reminded by said friends and family about the Turkey Day of yesteryear where a certain blogger got so shit faced that he jumped into Aunt Debbie’s hottub, and emerged nude and more drunk than ever…only to use a curtain as a towel and in doing so ripping it down and falling to the ground. 

This year, I have come up with a list of things I’d like to have and see on Thanksgiving, to make it more enjoyable for me.

- I hate turkey, due to it being Nature’s Roofie and all. I’m so sick and tired of feasting on turkey, and then shortly after passing out, only to wake in an hour or so and have my anus hurt. Dunno if that happens to anyone else out there…but I’m done with it!

- Instead of cranberries, I’d like gummy bears. Haribo gummy bears, ofcourse. 

- I hate stuffing. I much rather lick an ash tray than eat a spoon full of stuffing. So I much rather have, in it’s place, a nice, big joint. For my glaucoma, I swear.

- Also, I’d like to go to just ONE Thanksgiving Dinner with out having to hear the people surrounding me brag about their jobs, kids and/or pets. No one fucking cares how great “Timmy” is at coloring inside the lines, nor how cute your pet is. As you’re at the table enjoying conversation, I’ll be teaching you child swears and telling him to kick your dog.

- If something funny happens, like say, oooooh, I dunno…a family member of my significant other is arrested on solicitation of prostitution a week before Thanksgiving, I, Czarek Leopold Kielbaski, will laugh my ass off on the inside, and the more I drink, the likelier I will be to blurt something out about it. And if I do, why the fuck would you get mad? You’re the one that picked the ugly bitch out of all the girls standing there. Eevryone knows the ugly one is always the undercover officer. Perv.

- I would also love it if I didn’t have to go to every fucking person’s house that I know for dinner. Stuff my face on food I don’t like and then try to drive from house to house while battling my body trying to shut down all the while trying not to spill my beer all over myself as I try to maintain my lane…??? And before all you MADD loonies email me telling me it’s illegal to drive drunk, let me stop you right there. It’s only illegal if you get caught.

- If I do have to go from house to house, I think I should be able to be dressed however I wish. Unless i am having dinner at the White House or somewhere classy like a Waffle House, it should be more than acceptable for me to show up in dirty sweatpants and my dream catcher & wolf t-shirt. 

- I would also like to see the Dallas Cowboys have their stadium collapse on them while warming up for their annual Thanksgiving Day game. On the same note, I demand that the Detroit is stripped of having a proffessional football team.

- And finally, I would really appreciate it if the state of Delaware would break off this continent and sink into the ocean. There’s really no use for that shit hole. Delaware sucks.

 

So…that’s about it…have a great Thanksgiving everyone…and if you don’t, we’ll have something in common.

 

Fuck Delaware,
C. Leopold Kielbaski

For those who have known me for some time, and others who know me too little and yet so intimately, I must confess that my health is failing. Such so that after 100 years of abuse I love to only spend my days relaxing in exquisitely crafted and comfortable despite it’s minimalist design Scandinavian furniture, while overlooking Lake Michigan and counting the staff here at Casa de Rumenstien.

The cooks are really quick sometimes it’s hard to count them.

Anyway in not wanting to see my any readers go unentertained, I have bought on help. He was carefully vetted, and I sat down with him for a short interview last week. I will let him introduce himself.

Name: Czarek Leopold Kielbaski

 

Age: McCain-ish

Home: Earth

Favorite t-shirt: On the rare occasion I must wear a shirt, I often go for something with a screen print of a dream catcher and wolf on it. If it’s good enough for the trailor folk, it’s more than enough for me.

If you could have any super power what would it be and why? The power to listen to women. Because the one time I igore one, I get nasty words like “idiot”, “selfish” and “rapist” thrown at me. (the correct answer here was actually Ice Breath, like superman)

Whilst you were completing your studies at Andover, did you
play football or La Cross? Neither. it’s a common misconception that I played one or the other, but my heart belonged to full contact origami and starting the Andover chapter of Blumpkining…pending on the season of course.

What is your plan to get the US out of this financial blunder? It’s very much like what I do in my own personal life. I lie to myself. I may not have any money, but that has never stopped me from living lavishly. And if I sell it right, no one will be the wiser. So, that being said, if we just lied to other countries, no one would know any better. “oh, what’s that France? We’ll pay back our debts when we’re good and ready. Go back to your hairy women and over-sized coasters you call hats! And you’re welcome about the whole not talking german thing.” See…it’s that simple.

How do you feel about the hippies? Once, I thought that if a friend and I beat a hippie, we’d split him open and candy would pour out of him, much like a pinata, (which is Espanol for “FUCKING AWESOME!”). Such was not the case as it just made a mess in my mom’s kitchen. So after cleaning up the kitchen with some Simple Green and Bounty paper towels, we buried him in the side yard…and the following spring, my mothers flowers were more beautiful and fuller than ever. So, I’d say they make awesome fertilizer.

Feel free to submit any question for Czarek Leopold or C. Leo as he is called on the streets to clk@rumorator.com

Tags: Cucumber Water, Czarek, keira knightly in a low cut dress

Sorry to bring this voice back into everyone’s minds right now, but please just watch the background of this video.  Finally Palin puts together a semi-logical sentence and then they film infront of her husband slaughtering turkeys. 

It’s like me doing an over the phone interview while in the water closet.  Shirt off, sweatin’ it.

Tags: politiks

It’s been just over two weeks since Barack Obama was elected to President, but yet I’m still waiting some of this real change that was so over hyped during the campaign.  My hope is dwindling though as watching his cabinent appointments is like watching the ressurection of the  Jesus H. Clinton. 

YAY for Regression!
Where is your change Mr. Preisdent?

I’ve got a few other questions for Big B.O.?

• Where is our MKE light rail?
• WTF happened to my 401k?
• Did you think “That’s It, That’s All” was overrated?
• What’s with the shortage of primary care physicians?
• Why is my ringtone still a cut of Mr. T yelling “C’mon Creed” from Rocky III?
• Still with this decaf garbage? For real?
• When do the end times begin, now that you’ve been elected?
• So, exactly how fucked are we?
• You got a dollar I can borrow, just to get a cherry coke or something?
• Can I go to the doc to get this thing checked out yet?
• You ever been to ttocsxela.com?
• Can we count on some really moving social change, not some of this weak-ass Bill Clinton “I let gays in the military” mumbo jumbo?  When will we see the taxation of churches and hospitals and maybe turning over the Bush regime for prosecution by the world court on war crimes violations?
• Windfarms?
• Would it kill the hieroglyphics crew to put out an album on time?
• Is this Israel thing really something we should be backing?
• Are you pist at Jennifer Larson of Antioch, California for voting republican?

 

And for any readers we may have left — Big news is coming on monday!

Tags: Cucumber Water, Listed, politiks

 

 

 

 

 

I spent a good portion of the past weekend watching “That’s it, That’s all.” I think by this time nearly everyone has weighed in on this movie, but I just wanted to pass the information along. It’s a great shred flick. The riding focuses most heavily on TRice and Lando, which is fine as these two can certainly carry the nearly hour long movie. Thankfully we do see a touch of Terje, Nicolas, Pat Moore, Jeremy Jones (not the mormon one), the Guch and others. 

The riding is mostly back country booters and the only jibs you’ll see are an insane amount of tree taps. As much as I do enjoy a nice agressive park session it’s hard to deny the radness of a 30ft high give and goes of a tree.

The music is solid, and over all the HD quality looks good.  I should really step up and get an HD player.  As far as the filming style there seems to be no continuity to the movie.  Strange cuts and visual effects occur throughout, but no reasoning for them develops nor can they be compiled to create a consistent theme.  But then again, snowboarding vids are just a different form of porn so I shouldn’t be looking too deep for anything more than money shots.

Be sure to check out Lando’s work in the bonus features segment.  I LOLed.

Tags: movies, snowboardering, Where my dogs at?

“Secret” Obama Codename Revealed

 

The BBC is reporting the codenames for President-elect Obama and his family have been leaked.  In case you don’t know, a codename is assigned to the President, and then the rest of the families code names will begin with the same letter.  

 

 For example Barack was Renegade.  Michelle was Renaissance and the daughters we Rosebud and Radiance.  For reference GWB was Trailblazer, his wife was Tempo, and I can only assume the daughters were Trans-am and Thunderbird.

 

Since the new covers have been blown I’ve decided to offer up a few new names for Pres Obama to use.

• El Jefe
• Springsteen
• Parish 00
• Bronco
• Wizard Sleeve
• Rumorator von Rumenstein
• Taco dip
• Megatron
• Soupline Riot
• Ditka4lyfe
• Boskk
• Lapflounder Cove
• Terrorist Fist Bumper
• Marak Mobama
• FDR Dos!

Let me know what you think.

Tags: Lists, Obama, politiks

 

 First I want to address the Love. Okay so the boards feature naked ladies on them, and yes these women were featured in playboy 30 years ago. However there is nothing revealing more than a buttock on the boards. They are no more scandalous than afternoon TV programming. Yes, these boards are close to being pornography where sex is often associated with violence. Some viewers of porn therefore come to associate sex with mandatory violence. This constantly reinforced interdependence exhibited in multiple facets of our society can lead to increased likelihood of sexual violence and assault, not images on a snowboard alone.

 This is not to say that these boards will be the catalyst for a new wave of sexual violence, but they are not furthering the plight of women. What I find more troubling is the fact that there being uber-misty black women versions. To the snowboarding culture that is predominantly white, male, and suburban this only reinforces the stereotypes of minority women being some kind exotic trophy. The black woman is by no means a human.  If you are lucky enough to get one you will be the envy of all your friends. And of course the model featured isn’t too black.

 

I am a curious to see what riders do with these boards. Doesn’t it become more pornographic if the rider covers the image’s mouth with duct tape, or desecrates the image in other ways? Perhaps these are the people we need to be concerned with at resorts. That does seem rather telling of the rider’s concept of women.

 

 On account of these two board models there are groups out there calling for the boycott of Burton and calling on resorts to ban these boards from their trails. I respect a personal choice to not support a company or a board model. However this needs to be fair. We should not be staying resorts like Hyatt, Ritz, Marriotts, or any other hotel chain that makes serious cash from adult films.  Do not watch anything from Disney because they own ABC which produces shows that show butts and sideboobs. We need to cut down every tree littered with bras at mountain resorts. We need to ban TVs in these bars for showing violent cartoons. I think we should also just ban the bars as I suspect the alcohol intake associated with skiing and snowboarding leads to more violence than these boards ever will. 

 It’s actually gotten to the point that children are now suffering on account of some overly zealous adults.  Essex (Vermont) youth are not being allowed to participate in the CHILL program this year one account of the boards.  For those who don’t know CHILL is a nonprofit program set up by Burton to take under-privileged kids snowboarding.  Burton covers the cost of the lift tickets, the gear and the transportation. So now these kids will miss out and go home to watch some crap on TV instead, or maybe they will hang out on the street assaulting women.

Or those who are so disgusted by these boards can choose to not buy them for their children. If your child is old enough to buy it for themselves, try sitting down with them and explaining how you feel the board is disrespectful to women. Maybe they will even listen (but do not say that the Blunt Primo is disrespectful to hands, or I will come over and buy the board for your kid). People are influence by what is around them, just as companies are. If there was no boycott or other buzz being created certainly these boards wouldn’t be selling.  And if they don’t sell Burton won’t produce them.

 

Now what is this about Nike buying Quiksilver?

Tags: prudes, smut, snowboardering

Finally stepping into this century. Even the federal reserve beat me.

Tags: Large Hadron Collider