Probably Not in Medal Contention, 0r, Feeling Clooney-esque

~   Eau Claire Rumor Report v4.0     previous |

Typically I spend my days at the estate reading letters requesting that I pump this garbage out even faster. Well it's not that easy. I certainly need to take time off now and again. Plus the key players are not nearly as exciting as they once were. I suspect I need to find a younger crowd to run with. But for those of you who want a little more, I present you with the companion to the The Eau Claire Rumor Report: DOS. This one will be updated much more frequently. There is a good chance you will hate some of it, but hopefully you enjoy some of too. Enjoy.

~1.
The recent defecting of Brett Favre from our beloved Green Bay Packers to the New York Jets, has left most of Wisconsin in a state of turmoil. The Ghost of Karl Sheerar has been speaking out - surprising to everyone because no one really thought that he paid any attention to football. The Ghost of Karl Sheerar was quoted, “Personally, I’m glad this shit is over.  This on-again off-again mess was like watching Jonah and Jia.  Seriously, I think we’re all over it at this point.” As he continued he held up the paper clip with which he had been cleaning bowls, revealing a small globule of resin on the end. He held a lighted match under the globule and heavily inhaled the smoke as it lifted off the clip.   The Ghost concluded his statement by saying “What the fuck am I talking about? I hate football. This town is dry and needs more weed dealers.” 

~2.
Our man in the End Zed, A Love, has reached a hundred days of snowboarding since February 1, 2008. Meanwhile his mother has been leaving him messages suggesting he spend that much time finding a girl to settle down with. I mean would a few grandchildren kill the boy?

~3.
Acetylene Dave Niner Niner wants people to know that while home building in the United States is at a 17-year low, home-wrecking is at an all time high. At least in his neighborhood.

~4.
Still unemployed Greg Machotka has some big plans for the winter.  While he usually spends his time and money grabbing multiple new boards and outerwear combinations, he’s scaled it back a bit this year.  “I’m been looking at some new gear,” the worthless, social-program leech said, “Analog has some sick gloves out. And I if cash in the change jar I can probably grab ‘em.  I don’t know though, I always use the quarters out of there for laundry.  Maybe I’ll just get some Chinese food instead.” .

~5.
Colby wants everyone to notice how Machotka’s last phrase wasn’t “Maybe I’ll get a job and make some thing of my life.”  Loser.  

~6.
Grundy Van Grundy hasn’t been heard from since he received word that Gary Glitter would be released from a Vietnamese prison. Glitter was serving a 3 year sentence for sexually assaulting 11 year old girls.  I really don’t know what to make of it but according to Deacon Deacon, GVG used too spend a lot of time whimpering in the corner whenever they would play “Rock and Roll part II” in the showers after a rough night of freshman experimentation.  Double Deacon also added “Murray Hall Boys, forever!  When you write, that can you make the ‘for’ in forever, the number four? So it would be like ‘Murray Hall Boys, number four ever!”

~7.
Zagbeast Holland has checked it to the Rumenstein Clinic with Olympic Fever.  He says he has been enjoying the swimming and gymnastics, but he’s ready to get on with some real sports. He did take the news badly and felt cheated when he found out there wasn’t really a “Beer Olympics.” Because, really, what else do you do in the summer?"

~8.
Speaking of the Olympics, Stephan Cleary is eager get do some business with the women’s beach volleyball team.  Libel Inc. resident fashion expert, and bjorkland-heeb hybrid Tali had to veto the idea.  “Have you seen the new shit Eesa is putting out,” She said “Yes it’s slick but come on it’s for snowboarders, not those freaky, tall chicks.  Plus those women have no boobs. Creepy.” Oddly enough, as she said “creepy” I thought I heard a heavy exhale from behind the plant in my office (R.I.P Blaze).

~9.
Apple recently announced an issue does exist with the ipod nano overheating.  This came as no surprise to technophile LV. “Really I know this would happen the day I got mine.  I mean look at my playlist - nothing but Joy Division, Fugazi, and some Ludacris.  That’s some heat for sure.” 

~10.
Ever more increasingly reclusive Nate Moe planned a BBQ and then cancelled it. I confronted Moe about this failure of his while he was in his garage tying flies. “You know I really just didn’t feel any need to have people over. I’ll probably just spend the afternoon doing a little yard work. Might go down to the Kickapoo and cast a few lines. You know, catch some dinner.”  Matty Schieffer weighed in on the situation. “ Married life is for chumps.  Look at this,” he said motioning to his refrigerator, “I’ve got a 30-pack of PBRs. I could have a party tonight.  Maybe shotgun a few of those blue ribbons.  I wouldn't cancel that shit. What’s up with Moe anyway? Tying flies.  Is he retired?”

D Machots—buying shares of Freddie Mac on sale
Travis and Norm— never come into the city anymore
PK and Kennedy—hate weddings
ELudwig—on deck
Hollywood Insider Belgish Super-Producer Dan— somewhere between lust and Reno
Scotty Dreager—doesn’t exist

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