Rumorator v3.9

Semaphoring for the Pinaforing, 0r, Of Political Flip-Flops and God-Fearing Boat Shoes

~ Eau Claire Rumor Report v3.9 previous | next

I am a man of few words.

~1.
The Ghost of Karl Sheerar has permanently set up shop near the Large Hadron Collider. While he isn't expecting any usable results until about October he wants to be there for the whole thing. "People are saying that this thing is unpredictable," Sheerar's Ghost said publicly. "We may turn this thing on and the world might end, or dragon's might fly out. But you have to believe I'm going to be there just in case this thing sprouts a fully-matured, sixteen-story cannabis plant and a bong crafted out of a Tyrannosaurus skull. Mofo's better believe I hitting that. And a dragon would be pretty gnarly too."

~2.
The Midget is home recovering from injuries she incurred in a recent motorcycle accident. This is good though as she's getting caught up on the Maury Povich show. The plus side to the whole story is that she's all spiced up on painkillers and calls me every ten minutes to remind me that Maury's married to the asian lady that used to do Tom Brokaw imitations and that Leroy is NOT the father.

~3.
Matty Schieffer is hyped for the upcoming Minnesota State Fair. His list of things he's looking forward to are, "One: all those backwoods creeps who come in from like Brainerd, Albert Lea or even White Bear Lake. Two: Corndogs the size of Lumpy. Three: The fucking bouncy castle. Imagine some kid, mid bounce, when I catch him by the head, Total Recall style and just toss him into the opposite wall. That's totally worth four tickets. I might even go on wristband day and just dominate that place all afternoon."

~4.
Zagbeast Holland has gone missing. Perhaps this is a soul searching mission, or maybe he's just another lonely guy with a broken heart, trying to get by in this world. Well sir I can tell you it can be tough, and that road out there ain't easy. I'm curious why he start reading Thomas Pynchon's V, give up 25 pages into it, and just spend the afternoon listening to Drive Like Jehu's Yank Crime album like I do every Tuesday, when things get rough.

~5.
Norm stepped into the roll of local philanthropist and donated a bronze statue to the city of P-Dub. The sculpture features a galloping horse sodomizing a likeness of Travis. Though a little upset about his effigy, Trav was more irked about the fact that the horse shown in mid-gallop, had its rear left leg on the ground. "Seriously," Trav said at the dedication, "I thought this dispute was settled years ago after Eadweard Muybridge was able to catch a running steed on photograph, proving to Mr. Leland Standford that a horse does lift all four legs off the ground at once. So why does this one have one leg down? It's not for support. I mean the bronze has enough support here," and motioned to the point in the statue where the crude phallus was penetrating his anus.

~6.
Hollywood Insider, Belgish Super Producer Dan wants people to know he had absolutely nothing to do with the third season of Weeds pretty much turning the series to shit. Although in his "Official Weeds Fan Fiction" we totally get to see more of Nancy Botwin's anorexic boobs. If you want to check it out, it's coming soon to a convention center near you.

~7.
Stephen Cleary is wondering if the Ghost of Karl Sheerar really said "Mofos?" For real, people actually speak like that? Srsly?

~8.
Canadian correspondent Acetylene Dave Niner Niner is happy that the Loonie/Dollar exchange rate is still sitting about even. Three years ago AD99 could have hardly afforded a Baconator, but these days he brags about having a controlling share of the hearts of UWEC freshman females. Always the one-upper, Deacon Deacon claims that he used to do that on a typical Friday night with just a sixer of Summit, a funny t-shirt, and the Wallflowers debut album.

~9.
While the rest of the state is reeling with the loss of Miller/ Coors/ Molson/ Leinenkugels/ Peroni/ Zima, Nate Moe is happy that facist son-of-a-bitch Pete Coors and his ilk won't be settling in Wisconsin. Colby just rolled his eyes, grabbed a High Life and yelled, "Hey Nate, what do you know of the moon landing?" Nate told me later that he hopes "one day Colby wakes up to the truth. Also that dude who won like 3 million on Jeopardy a few years back was part of a larger mormon conspiracy."

~10.
Grundy van Grundy: Hey dude, you want to catch the Brewers Cubs game next week.
Greg Machotka: Ahhh..sorry boss. No can do.
GvG: What, did you get a job?
GM: No but I've got a pretty big day, you know, masturbatory-wise.

~11.
Our own Jersey-girl, LV was able to get her hands on a new iPhone 3G 16gig white. While this does make it easier to connect to her, I still feel we aren't really on the same page as to where this relationship is headed.

~12.
Andy Love has taken up knitting is still single

~13.
Our Seoul-man, D Machots, has given up on karaoke, and is now working on a cipher. Machots last email read "You said you'd never leave me til I got a Fat City address' Why is Fat City capitalized? Where is Fat City? And then, 'Non-stop talker, what a rocker, blue-eyed murder in a side-swiped dress.' What is a side swiped-dress? And don't even get me started on those David Lee Roth screams and shrieks. They've got more messages than a black man playing a drum in 1862."