Rumorator v3.7

Memorial Day Misrememberings, 0r, The Girls in Their Summer Dresses

~ Eau Claire Rumor Report v3.7 previous | next

I recently sat down with Hollywood-Insider, Belgish Super-Producer Dan for a nice cup of coffee at the Alterra on Prospect. He wanted to talk to me about getting into the ECRR. I scoffed and asked him qualifying questions.

>>Rumorator: Are you reppin', or schooled by the Eau Cleezy?
>>HIBSPDan: No
>>Rumorator: Have you even been to the Joint, looked around, and wondered if all the attractive people left the same time I did?
>>HBSPDan: No
>>Rumorator: Are you Blaze?
>>HIBSPDan: I wish. That dude's got the easy life. I kind of miss him.

Now, by all set guidelines Hollywood-Insider, Belgish Super Producer Dan wouldn't make the cut, but I like the guy. He's funny and has impeccable taste, plus he wears those heater Puma driving shoes I wish I could get my fat old feet into. So I wanted to get him in. And me being the old school, quid pro quo, gentleman that I am, I thought he could maybe help me out. I leaned back on my chair and said, "Hollywood-Insider, Belgish Super-Producer Dan, listen I can get you in, but you've got to pull some Hollywood strings and get me some face time with a studio. You see I have this great idea for a movie…" It was at this point Hollywood-Insider, Belgish Super-Producer Dan got up and started schmoozing with the baristas.

Dude totally skipped out on his coffee bill too.

~1.
Karl Sheerar sat alone in his new home and watched the latest images from the Mars Phoenix Explorer broadcast to the world for the first time. There was a feeling of joy deep inside of him, knowing that NASA had modeled the technology for the new camera on Sheerar's own eye. Just another contribution to greater good, from our boy Karl, that will go unrecognized. He leaned back and grabbed the remaining half of a joint off the end table next to the couch. He lit it and pulled deep. Then the door slamming began again. He knew this time would be rough. He put down the joint, exhaled, covered his NASA eye, and welcomed himself to hell.

~2.
Matty Schieffer has been bombing facebook pages all over the place. I've been tracking him, and waiting for something good. But honestly that guy makes less sense than the Log Lady and without the promise of seeing Sherilyn Fenn. Before she got all maternal, and generally unsexy.

~3.
Deacon Deacon is in a new band. It's a three-piece thingy, consiting of Deacon Deacon, some other guy, and some broad. So we are already guaranteed 1/3 of it will be garbage.

~4.
Our favorite voluptuous, Bjorkland-Heeb hybrid, Tali, has finally given in to her destiny. This summer, be on the look-out for JewICE: extreme lifestyle beverage for the chosen people, and those who believe in elves. While everyone here, at Libel Inc. is stoked for her (and the free cases we're awaiting for the product placement), I suspect this will be much like every other Icelandic booze I have ever had the misfortune to imbibe. Imagine a taste somewhere between unspit toothpaste froth and partially baked rye bread dough.

~5.
Greg Machotka was appalled that National Public Radio had the audacity to claim the Chinese Earthquake of May 12th is China's 9-11. Appalled might not be the right term. Perhaps confused makes more sense as he doesn't see a proper comparison between an earthquake that wiped out roughly 60,000 people and left millions displaced and an attack on a country's financial and commercial center while their own government stands by, letting roughly 2500 people perish, and acts if they had no clue it was coming, only to use the event as an excuse to wipe out 100,000 or so innocent civilians. I guess a more apt comparison would be to liken May 12th in China to Iraq over the past five years. Shock and awe, bitches!

~6.
Grundy Van Grundy wants to go back to that one about Deacon's band. He's wondering if it is a Deacon joke, or a woman joke. Either way he's cool with it. He just wants to be sure he's laughing at the right parts.

~7.
Norm and his wife brought the kids, Brian and Amy, around to the old estate recently, where we had a healthy discussion on child rearing. It wasn't long before Norm was running is mouth and talking about the high hopes he had for kids. He told me he would really like to see his daughter go to college and find a man to settle down with, you know, not putz around like her aunty Erica. But for his boy he said he would like to see him become the next Scotty Dreager. I was like fat chance, that dude doesn't even exist. And it was then that I learned that Scotty Dreager wasn't one man, but a lifestyle, that many people have portrayed, like the Dread Pirate Robert, or the cast of ER.

~8.
Travis Schoen, known for sending out his "Top 5" emails regarding what he has been listening to lately, has been slacking. Had he sent one out in the last few weeks it would have simply been a Top 2, as he is currently trying to discern whether Willie Nelson or The Pet Shop Boys had a better version of " You are Always on My Mind." He doesn't even consider the Brenda Lee version, and rightfully snubbed the Elvis Presley version.

~9.
Stephan Cleary also stopped by the compound to ring in the summer. Being he is on a strict work-out regimen we had to throw down on a 30-min run before dinner and drinks. It was intense, to say the least. We were running just as fast as we could, holding onto one and other's hands. Trying to get away into the the night then he put his arms around me and we stumbled to the ground and the he said "I think we're alone now. There doesn't seem to be anyone around." I was so exhausted. The only thing I could hear was the beating of our hearts.

~10.
A. Love has been sending back reports from EndZed that he saw the Bon Iver album in a record store over there. He's wondering if that makes him Eau Cleezy enough to remain in the ECRR, whilst Hollywood-Insider, Belgish Super-Producer Dan has failed.

ECRR Members Missing since the quake in China, but still in our hearts:
• Nate Moe: Workin' it.
• Colby: Bleeding
• Zagbeast Holland: If I agree to counseling, will you come back?
• LV: These are those of us who believe she may be in her garden
• PK and Kennedy: At the Fuckshop
• The Midget: MIA--Gone but not Forgotten
• Dave Mahots: Hit the beach in Korea and was shocked to learn that Charlie really doesn't surf.