Like Kryptonite to a Super Delegate, or, Terror on the Torch Relay

~   Eau Claire Rumor Report v3.6     previous | next

i’ve taken to carrying a coffee cup with me whenever I go for a stroll beyond the walls of my garden.  I find this to by the best deterrent to feeling creepy while lurking about my neighborhood.  All too often I find myself in the position of being 20 feet behind some young women, who upon hearing my footsteps behind her, grips her pepper spray / tazer / brass-knuckles.  I can understand that when they do get a look at me I’m not the most inviting person to see.  Most often I have my hood up and am mumbling to myself.  However by carrying my coffee mug I completely neutralize any threat I could have posed. 

Now it’s important to note that this isn’t some paper cup from Starbucks.  Any homeless person can get those.  Oh no I’m rolling deep in a stainless steel serious coffee mug.  The same one I carry with me everyday and rarely wash because it’s just coffee.  It’s the kind of mug that says I’m into coffee for the long term.  If I get ten cents off my coffee each time I reuse this mug, I still need to buy 200 cups before I break even (nevermind that fact that I got it free from backcountry.com).  A mug like this is not for fluffy drinks either, or else I would have to wash it.  This is the mug of a person who is on a mission.  And that mission has nothing to do with creeping out young women walking alone. 

Can you imagine the debacle a mugging would be by someone with a coffee cup: 

>> Mugger:  give me your purse!
>> Single Lady: Ahh! (throws hands in air) take everything.  Just don’t hurt me.
>> Mugger:  Okay…. shit can you hold my coffee… and my netflix envelope too?
           
Now it’s important to note that with this mug people will also assume I am white, because black people don’t drink coffee, and if they do they drink fluffy drinks.   At least that is what I heard.  Some other things I heard lately:  



~1.
With petroleum prices on the rise Karl Sheerer has been doing his part to drive less.  Publicly, he his doing this to conserve gas, the environment, and to stick it to those ultra-rich oil men.  Privately, he’s just pretty sick of looking for parking. “These days it’s not uncommon for me to hop on my bike and get where I need to be.”  Karl said,  “Then again, it’s not uncommon for me to get really stoned and forget where the door is either.  You should try of this shit.”

~2.
LV has been cutting her acting chops with the Parsippany Players Theatre.  However, some members of the community club seem less than thrilled with her latest playhouse pandering.  The PPT was planning on staging a version of Peter and The Wolf, but then LV demanded that her character be represented not by the oboe or the bassoon, but by a DJ doing a full-on, tits-out remix of Justin Timberlake’s SexyBack.

~3.
Greg Machotka is still trying to wrap his mind around the open waters off the coast of Ilulissat, Greenland, holding steady at 28.8 Fahrenheit, because where he’s from that’s called ice.

~4.
Grundy Van Grunsven has held a conference call with PK and Kennedy recently to discuss the current election and Clinton’s participation in the Pollyanna Creep. Kennedy pretty much just muted the call and played a demo version of GTA4 after he found out the Pollyanna Creep dealt with economics.

~5.
Tali was seen at the Home Depot Sunday stocking up on concrete mix.  It seems with the weekend’s apprehension of the Austrian man, Josef Fritzl, who kept his daughter locked in a cellar for twenty-four years, Tali thought it was best to seal up her entire basement.  Meanwhile many of us are wondering the whereabouts of Blaze.

~6.
Matty Scheiffer, our man on the ground in Jerusalem, wants to wish all the Orthodox and Coptic Catholics a big fat happy Easter. He also thanks Colby for turning him into just a bit more of a pansy by hooking him up with the new My Morning Jacket album. 

~7.
Stephen Cleary is supposedly in southeast Asia, sourcing new producers and for the Eesa 2010 line.  However according to our sole Seoul correspondent, Dave Mahots, “That dude has been tearing it up with some classic Steve Miller tracks at this karaoke joint around the corner pretty consistently for about a week now.   And last Thursday he was rocking a slick new Visvim Mowats.”

~8.
Stylists from coast to coast are hyping what is being called the Deacon Deacon look.  Imagine a blend of nineties heroin chic and early twentieth century no-irish-need-apply dourness.  And then you have the hottest look for summer and really the same look Double Deacon has been rolling with since moving out of the dorms. Travis Shoen says he's already over it.

~9.
Just in time, Andy Love has returned to New Zealand.  As scientists are thawing the colossal squid for research, the EndZed General is readying his best dick jokes. He figures he’s going to start with the “I’ve got your colossal squid right” bit whilst grabbing his crotch.  And slowly he will ease the people into “so there she was sucking my tentacles like a sperm whale,” because he is a gentleman.       
  
~10.
Nate Moe has been stoked on the warm spring weather giving him a chance to use his new garage workspace.  Having already built himself a sick split board he’s now going to make a couple bird houses and quietly settle into the domestic life leaving us all behind to find our own way.  

back to top