Resurrection Time in Hollis Queens, 0r, Rosa Parks' Black in the Back Flashback Lunch

~   Eau Claire Rumor Report v3.5     previous | next

Well it seems spring is finally upon us.  The snow here on the lakefront has all melted revealing a winter’s worth of discarded living.  People have packed their parkas away and the youth have finally taken their credit cards and parent’s cars and headed to semi-tropical pseudo-paradises:  places best seen after dark, with impaired vision, someone a touch drunker than you who will not put up much of a struggle regarding the evening’s inevitable courtship, and opiod analgesics. 

Scotty Dreager and I were standing on the balcony in the recent warm temperatures overlooking the lake recapping the recent Meeting of the Minds, Bleeding of the Hearts and the plans set forth at the annual retreat.  As the executive of the Rumorator Trust and Libel Inc. I am pleased to lay out the strategic actions to be taken by the organization of the next twelve months.

And there you have it.  The plans for the next year.  And now here’s a recap of the past few weeks. 

~1.
Karl Sheerar has been a bit peeved lately, after his last minute removal as US consultant on the EU Space Truck project.  Karl sensed his days with the project were limited after he suggested that before the Automated Transfer Vehicle heading into space that they should get a Confederate Flag sticker to go on the back, and possibly another of Calvin pissing on an image of the space station Mir.  It was also noted recently that Karl smokes a lot of weed.

~2.
Grundy Van Grundy recently had his thirtieth Birthday celebration.  Not that he should be feeling old already, but discussion on our end of the table was certainly about his cane and option to get pre-emptive false teeth.  Of course after the sake we made sure that the discussion was for the entire table.

~3.
Everyone seems to be turning 30 lately.  EK recently had his bash as well that included a very inebriated Greg Machotka.  Greg took time out of his busy schedule to fall under a bus, and later used a beach towel to transform himself into his superhero alter-ego, Lackluster.  A hero with amazing talent to not impress, who carries a lone ski pole with rumored magical powers, and wears an amulet of Black Hills Gold. 

~4.
Stephen Cleary’s wrapping up another season of snow sports.  Like most of us he has been thrilled by the amazing amount of snow this winter and is looking forward to another great year for 08-09.  He’s most excited about the Eesa x Rumorator kits.  The complete set will include The Blaze Rucker in arbor vitae camoflage and the Nate Moe Caisson made completely of tyvek for easy clean up while driving.

~5.
A. Love has invaded the US of A.  It seemed only a matter of time but, fear not US citizens.  He came into the country through SFO where he was intercepted by Tali, whose elfish ancestors on her mother’s side passed on the ability to sense whenever a hobbit was near.  Her father’s heebrish side just made her better with money and diamonds.  The containment of Love will be overseen by LV, who’s being brought in for emergency use on this project.  LV is the only living human known to have seen Love on his territory.  I figure after a few days with those two he’ll want to go home. Or have syphilis.

~6.
Always one to scoop the next big story, Zagbeast Holland is looking to upstage David Blaine’s 1 million seconds of being awake stunt, by spending the next 1 million years wondering where his life went wrong.   I realize I risk ruining the stunt but I really want to save Zag some time here, so I’ll just come out and say it, “Molson Ice.”

~7.
Colby was planning on getting back to his heavy metal phase and was stoked to learn about the spreading of Devil Facial Tumor Disease on the island of Tasmania.  He was riding high on the idea of this until he found out what DFTD was and then he just felt sorry for the little guys.  He probably has some allegiance to them given the way his face looks after the nights when Rachel’s been drinking.  After a bit of reconsidering Colby said he will stick to Finnish black metal and asked that I not do the photo shoot today because of a bruise he had on his cheek.  He said he got it playing basketball.

~8.
Travis Shoen has weighed in on the hottest scandal of the season.  “Heather Mills is money hungry tramp!” He proclaimed before pulling me aside and asking, “If you had the chance to sex her up, would you leave the leg on or do her mono-ped? Personally I think I would just rub myself on the leg.  I’d probably lick her stump too.  Oh she’s a dirty little peg leg isn’t she.”

~9.
Norm’s kids, are doing well.  But time is going to tell on that one.  Geiser keeps sending me emails  to join his pool on when the first one ends up in therapy muttering the line “And I’m so sick of saying 'Hi I’m Brian, and this is my sister Amy, and these are my parents Brian and Amy.'  It’s like we have incestuous names.  The only way this could be worse is if my parents name-banged again and had twins named Brimy and Aman.  So can I get some adderall?   Cause Karl Sheerar says that shit is a god-send."      
  
~10.
Kennedy and PK are anxiously awaiting spring when the girls clothes get skimpier and it doesn’t seem so creepy for the two of them to lay on the shores of Lake Calhoun rubbing tanning oil on each other. 

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