For Your Consideration, or, Can One Really Wear Too Much Chartreuse?

~   Eau Claire Rumor Report v3.4     previous | next

A friend of mine, Mikey B, recently asked for some help finding some new strain for his mason jars. He called it headband, and said it was some serious east coast meets west coast type shit. I told him he should meet up with Karl Sheerar. Karl is great at finding things. For example here is a list of the things Karl is quite good at finding:
           
• Car keys
• The best Chinese joint in Elko, Nevada
• My copy of Last Exit to Brooklyn
• The remote to Nate’s TV
• Six 9-volt batteries and a remote controlled truck with Coors Light decals on google images 

Of course I neglected to tell him Karl has never found the time to do the dishes, but that’s beside the point.


~1.
Karl Sheerar has been doing some research on the structural memory of aluminum foil.  He was working with restructured copper but found that it always burned the shit out of his face on that last bong rip.

~2.
Grundy Van Grundy has been neglecting calls from people as of late, which is odd because he just got a new iFone and should be stoked to show it off.  Supposedly he has been busy with his new Lionel Milwaukee 2-8-2 Mikado with a pretty killer add-on pack that covers most his basement floor space.  It’s super life-like.  He even has a little Blaze replica that hides in the bushes outside the all-girls school.

~3.
Greg Machotka finally got his hands on a copy of Fully Flared.  His roommate is pissed, but he doesn’t really care because he is trying to figure out if watching the video or playing Skate or Die is going to make him a better skater if he ever gets another deck.

~4.
Never one to miss a dying fad, Nate Moe has transformed one room in his new house into his Scrappin’ Room.  His wife was pretty stoked and thought maybe he was working on a cool keepsake for the two of them, but was a touch irked to find all he has are 6 empty pabst cans and 2 pounds of aluminum foil.

~5.
Colby has been practicing ritual bloodletting lately.  Or at least that is his current cover for the abuse he suffers at the hand of Rachel.  Dude should have stuck with the whole “I walked into the door” routine.

~6.
Brian and Amy are still unsure of what to do with the Christmas gift Travis gave to the twins.  I can see the years of therapy needed to correct those early days spent staring up at the mobile with eight images of Trev’s face in different stages of sexual climax.  The part that is most troubling is the “all photos by Scotty Dreager” notation on the packaging.

~7.
For Valentine’s Day Kennedy sent PK his signature “My first freebase kit.”  The kit includes a busted off eyedropper, a lighter, a small pair of pliers, and crushed Coors can (pre-charred).  From his bench outside the Library down on Lyndale, you know the bench—the one below the heat duct, Kennedy just said “Shit, son.  It wasn’t no gift- I told him the first one is free.”  He then shook his head and tightened up the garbage bags he had wrapped around his feet, and shook the snow off them.  “Hey you got $12 I could borrow?”

~8.
LV has been apartment hunting as of late.  Using a rather unorthodox method.  She has been employing DigitalGlobe of Longmont, CO.  Using the commercial satellite company to find herself a place with nice balcony in the city.  She has also been looking at archived images of middle east and has reached the conclusion that Iraq has been bombed to shit over the past 15 years by US forces, they never had weapons of mass destruction, and it is the due only to the blood thirst and greed of those in power in our country that we are involved in a war that has given us nothing more than a massive deficit, thousands of dead soldiers, diminishing safety at home and world-wide, and the label of war criminals in the eyes of so many of the world’s citizens.  Actually, she just got that from opening her eyes.   

~9.
Zagbeast Holland has been walking around with his hands in his pockets a lot more recently.  At first it was reported that he was jumping on the Howie Mandel/germophobe train but it seems physical contact has become a burden on him.  Just the other day I offered him a high five and he declined.  He said, “Sometimes when we, as people, touch, the honesty’s  too much for him.  And what I really wants to do is just close my eyes and hide.”  I nodded in agreement as he continued “I would just end up holding you until I die, or we would both end up crying.”  But he does regret this loss of contact is really just looking for someone to hold on to until the fear within him subsides.   Ahh, romance and all its strategy.
  
~10.
Conspiracy theorists were the first to catch on to this one:  It seems an agreement was reached between D.R. Machotka and A. Love. Love will, for the time being, reside in Canada while Machotka will be off to Korea.  Because that much premium denim cannot be in the same hemisphere, lest the earth’s rotation would change and revolve around those two.  A footnote of the accord also requires Matty Schieffer to stay in Israel.

back to top