The Power of Positive Thinking, or, A Life Fulfilled With Ringtones of Self-Loathing and Loose Stools

~   Eau Claire Rumor Report v3.3     previous | next

Isn’t it just like December to sneak up on us.  But here we are and thankfully we have a new blanket of snow on the ground.  The waters of Lake Michigan have turned grey, and the wind comes with a bite I remember from younger days on the ore ships on those great lakes.  It was a wind like this evening’s that I last felt on that Autumn of ’75.  I was First Mate aboard the Arthur M Anderson.  The lake was a bitter lover that night.  Waves 30 feet high kept me as green as a suburban lawn.  Whilst we made it though, I never returned to the freighters after that.  I took my pay and set up shop here on the shore where I could keep an eye on all those other souls just looking to make a buck and get home.

With this turn of the weather it is also with great pleasure that I announce the 45th annual Rumorator’s Meeting of the Minds; Bleeding of the Hearts.  This year’s strategic planning event is set for the shores of Lake Tahoe from February 23rd - March 1st and will probably look just like the beginning of The Godfather: Part II.  Rumored to be in attendance are Nate Moe, Greg Machotka, Colby, Zagbeast, Grundy Van Grunsven, Karl Sheerar, and Platinum Girth. Any others interesting in attend should contact colby@rumorator.com And now on with the updates. 

~1.
Karl Sheerar recently returned from Mauna Loa where we has booed off stage while presenting his new findings “Controlling CO2 levels in the atmosphere through consumption:  A study in how my bitches rock Balenciaga and puff mad marijuana.”  He had little to say before he returned to his work but did drop us this nugget of wisdom, “Look at the facts, muthafuckas couldn’t create a better Keeling Curve pissing in a bath tub.  And Ghostface’s next album is going to slaughter it.” 

~2.
Matty Schieffer is coming to terms with the loss of Evel Knievel.  Hearing of the stunt superstars passing, Schieffer canceled his planned jumping over the expanse formerly occupied by the 35W bridge.  Fittingly though, he got all smashed up on 7-and-7s and fell off his balcony and will probably be in the coma for 29 days. 

~3.
Blaze has been noticeably absent from the hiding in the bushes around town.  It seems he has actually taken up residence in Tali’s rack.  For real, that girl’s boobs are huge.  She wouldn’t have even known he was in there if he hadn’t tried to get his 52” Bravia in there with him.   Pics of the titty squatter are yet unavailable.

~4.
Grundy Van Grundy has packed his bags and is heading to Sydney again. He is also planning a side trip over to Enn Zed.  A. Love is none too stoked about another Libelee being in the SoHe.  Love has called for a sit down to discuss Van Grundy’s visit in Christchurch.  The two are expected talk about all things hobbit, like Grundy’s toe and Love’s entire body.

~5.
Greg Machotka’s roommate won’t stop bragging about how her tree is the Lambeau Field Christmas Tree.  Something about her grandparents old house, St. Norbert’s College, and 1982.  Or at least that’s what he heard while looking for the perfect kit for snowy Thursday to pair well with some paprika pinstriped gloves.

~6.
Oprah wasn’t the only doing some campaigning in Iowa this past weekend.  Travis was at Carroll College Speaking out about the seemingly eminent Norman Dynasty.  He sees new-borns Ben and Abbey as a threat to the idea of a free Port Washington.  Citizens of PW took no real interest and even Trav’s Mom said “Trev’s just being dramatic. The new Normans are total cuteness.”  Personally I didn’t even know Trav was still around.

~7.
LV has decided that she will now be publicly known as Chan Marshall, because it’s a pretty cool name and Cat Power is obviously not using it.

~8.
Nate Moe finally bought his house.  Recently he was kind enough to show us the schematics.  The part I found most interesting was not the excellent use of space, but the sub-basement accessed by a 14ft vertical tunnel that leads to 5’x5’x5’ concrete room with a water dish and crude toilet fixture.  He’s planning on having kids someday.

~9.
With Led Zepplin returning to the stage Zagbeast Holland has decided this would be a perfect time for his band, Grass Valley Goyim, to come back as well.  I never knew Zag when he had this band but from my understanding it’s like equal parts Dragonforce, Wesley Willis, and (insert some hippie band) which certainly lends itself well to a lot of suckage and guilting friends into coming to see shows for $5.  Perhaps if Geiser and Deacon Deacon are free The Tony Mandarich Quartet could open for them.
  
~10.
For those of you who are wondering what has become of Colby, I am proud to announce he is safe, and Rachel is happy to have located him.  She will be reunited with her husband later this week in the EC where Colby was found shacked up with a kibutz of geophagiacs.  Dirt eater.  Sicko.  Can I bum a cigarette?

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