If You Cross a Dolphin with An Orchid, Do You Get an Orphin or a Dorchid?

~   Eau Claire Rumor Report v3.2     previous | next

AHOY!!!  We have so much to catch up on.  Please forgive me as I have been way on vacation but I certainly could not stand the racket around here any longer.

You see some time ago I requested a new printing press to be installed in the lower level of Chateau de Rumour.  I arrived finally, and it truly is a beauty.  A Gutenberg L6000.  It will be replacing the 1454 Gutenberg, for which I paid a mere 1000 guilders.  Let me tell you, the old greenback isn’t what it once was. 

Anyway for those of you who care, the Rumorator Holiday Annual should be available at shortly and will be the first printed on the new system. 

~1.
I wasn’t the only one doing a bit of vacationing. Karl Sheerar has taken some time away from his PS3, devoting all of the machine’s power to the folding@home project. Whether this holiday was planned or not seems to be the source of some debate. CK Oyama, often a critic of Sheerar’s work, claims he only set down the controller because he scored some out-of-this-world grass. Sheerar, defending himself had this to say, “I think everyone on the f@h system saw a petaFLOP coming and we all went for it. The world is better because of it. Who am I to interfere with science? Especially when I can score up some primo green. This is not some cruising with the top down, Don Henley solo catalog on the hi-fi bullshit. I couldn’t even see the damn playstation for a week, and I never left the bean-bag."

~2.
Zagbeast Holland has been trying been trying to recognize his spirit beast but can’t decide if it’s Patrick Swayze in “North and South” or a hovercraft.

~3.
Grundy Van Grundy is pissed off because A+E cancelled “Dog: The Bounty Hunter.” He was never really a big fan of the show but he often used it for cover. Whenever he would be checking some porno on his parents' computer, and they would come home, he would yell, “ Don’t come in I’m watching Dog: the Bounty Hunter.” Apparently they weren’t fans. Grundy is convinced it won’t be as effective to yell, “Don’t come in I’m watching old episodes of Monster Garage,” because last time he used that one his dad busted in and wanted to see if it was the episode where they turn a Mr. Coffee into a slot machine that could tell the future.

~4.
Nate Moe and his wife are looking at buying a house in the Madison area.  He figures now is a good time to get into the market and in all reality they have been married a year now. It's about time they get separate rooms and stop talking. It seems Nate has been taking marriage lessons from my father.

~5.
International Playboy Deacon Deacon is thrilled to report the report that the Airbus A380 is the new standard in air travel. “The plane is big and the opulence is everywhere, from the Bottoni armchair for each customer to the underage whore whose sole purpose on the plane was for me to pee on as she called master.  The adventure truly is Titanic.”

~6.
Drawing inspiration from countless National Geographic photos, Greg Machotka and his Domestic Partner have decided they need a feral dog of their own. But being the first-worlders that they are they really know nothing more than the concept. So Greg has decided he’s going get the pup, clip it’s ear in a couple places, knock out a few teeth, break it’s tail so it points straight down, and shave a few patches in the animal's hide. He also hasn't ruled out removing a leg or poking the canine in the eye until it gets all pus filled and swollen. The line between crapsuck hipster and trailer trash has never been finer.

~7.
Matty Schieffer is planning his next big money maker. With the melting of the ice around the North Pole and Greenland, Schieffer is seeing more vacation action in everyone’s future, so he’s buying up rights to shirts with the sayings “FBI: Female Bikini Inspector” and then features “Greenland” in a Brush Script M1 font. Personally I am a huge fan of the “Nunavut Bikini Waxer of the Year ‘09” prototype he has been shopping around.

~8.
Not to be left out Norm and Amy have been spending every night at home with the twins which is not dissimilar to how Norm spent spring break his sophomore year of college, but those twins were a couple of studs known as Travis and Keiffer. Oh that sophomore year was so sexy.

~9.

~10.
LV was in top gear this year for Halloween this year and went as 9-11. No one really got it until she got just totally smashed up and collapsed. That one probably won’t go over too well in tri-state area.

back to top