Fiat Lux, or, Texturized Vegetable Protein

~   Eau Claire Rumor Report v3.1     previous | next

~1.
Is there no end to the doping scandals stemming from the Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative?  Karl Sheerar has come forward and admitted to the use of a performance enhancing product from BALCO known as “The Purple.”  In his testimony before congress, and in his soon to be released autobiography, Karl says “ I wouldn’t really call them ‘performance enhancing.'  Unless your idea of performing is coughing until you herniate, and putting down an entire 18-inch double cheese cardiac combo from the Glass Nickle. In that case I’m top gear.” 

~2.
Greg Machotka is optimistic about the Green Bay Packers this year.  Even with the recent loss to the Chicago Bears he feels the team is solid.  “Dare I say it,” Machotka was quoted, “this may be the best start to a season I have seen since 1992 when freshman quarter back phenom Nate Moe lead the mighty Mondovi Buffaloes to the a perfect season, never passing for less than 430 yards, started his four year reign as homecoming king, crafted a bong out of Nick Newman’s golf shoes in study hall, and totally felt up that mute chick who rode horses. Yeah, I dared say it”

~3.
Everyone’s favorite bitter Minnesotan has been talking recently about how he has to replace his roof.  Coincidently it wasn’t that long ago that the 35W bridge collapsed (on account of some sharks, I’ve got the pics to prove it), which is leading me to believe Colby lives in a box under a bridge.  Matty Schieffer thinks number three is simultaneously “too soon” and “too old”  and “not funny anyway.”

~4.
Update from the Kiwi. A. Love has a new lady in his life. I hear she is British and wants to retrain him on how to make tea. Which just seems stupid to me because he has obviously been making it right his whole life, as it has stunted his growth. Just as my grandmother always predicted.

~5.
Ben and Abbey Norman stormed on to the scene recently as Port Washington’s newest twin sensations.  I actually suspect they are more of a sensation for being children in P-Dub.  That town is nothing but old retirees.  Not a place for young people, as the realtors say.  Even the trees are dying.  It’s like “The Children of Men” up there, minus Clive Owen.  And replace the pot-smoking old dude with Travis.

~6.
As Cubans are celebrating the life of Ernesto “Che” Guevara, armchair revolutionary Zagbeast Holland was honoring the man in his own way.   With some “Rage” playing on the ipod, he liberated a couple of chorizo chimichangas from Jalisco's before laying siege to Sierra Ski and Patio and giving plastic knock-off Adirondack chairs and last year’s Nitro gear to the people, for up to 50% off.  I look forward to a better tomorrow when all of our children will be wearing Zag’s face on t-shirts.

~7.
Kennedy and PK recently took first place at the $100,000 Pyramid Championships.  In case you missed their winning square it went like this:
Kennedy—“Ahhh, um old love letters, bank statements, uummm...unusable CDs, an unborn fetus…” 
PK—“Things you put in a paper shredder on account of the Bush regime’s roll back of women’s rights and systematic deterioration of Roe v. Wade”
Dick Clark—“For the Win!”

~8.
Grundy recently bought a house in Wauwatosa.  He lives there alone.  As I gaze into my Orb of Knowledge I see Grundy, a house in the suburbs, a job in computers, and a life of virginity.  This is usually the part where Grundy grabs my robe and yells “tell me it’s not true, Rumorator, tell me it’s not true.”  He will awake yelling this over and over to find out that it is Christmas day and he is back in the suburbs, working in computers, and still horribly alone.

~9.
LV has a job in the healthcare industry now. However, she claims this doesn’t make her qualified to look at these splotches I’ve got around my junk.  Doesn’t seem to be much “care” in that.

~10.
Andy Kieffer called me a few times asking me to check out the Milwaukee Film Fest with him. I opted out as theaters don’t really do it for me. Anyway Kieffer told me in one of these calls that Scotty Dreager would be there.  I laughed and hung up.  Scotty D is not a real person, and after witnessing all the hype and the sad reality of the Milwaukee Film Fest/junkshow hipster chill-a-thon, I am doubting that this is even a real city. I prefer to sit in my castle overlooking the lake watching old 8mm films of the Rumorator family before the divorce, when my mother smiled and father drank brand name gin.

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