Today is Our Independence Day

~   Eau Claire Rumor Report v2.8     previous | next

Good morning. In less than one hour planes from here and all around the world will launch the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind...

Mankind. The word has new meaning for all of us now. We are reminded not of our petty differences but of our common interests.

Perhaps it's fate that today, July the Fourth, we will once again fight for our freedom. Not from tyranny, persecution, or oppression. But from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live, to exist. From this day on, the fourth day of July will no longer be remembered as an American holiday but as the day that all of mankind declared we will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish without a fight. We will live on. We will survive.

Just a few things I've heard recently.

~1.
Karl Sheerar recently paid a visit to old friend E. Kleven to confirm rumors that EK is preparing for the second coming of prohibition. Apparently EK has this belief that the religious right is not after our religious freedom, but our beer. So he built a revolving bookcase that hides away a tap connected to an underground keg facility maintained by elves. Not to be outdone Karl made a two-stage water pipe out of his prosthetics arm. Not surprised that Karl would craft such a tool, EK just said "No shit, Karl can do one-handed bong rips? How does he spark it?"

~2.
Matty Schieffer and I were talking about our own exercise routines lately. I was pretty sure his was a gin and amateur smut, But it turns out he's been riding the Schwinn Aerodyne at the YMCA downtown on 9th. I kind of feel bad for the guy. Someone should tell him the YMCAs are for broke down single dads and pedophiles. Last time I was at his place it didn't even smell poor.

~3.
For six months Zagbeast Holland has been watching Sheffield Brewers jerseys get sniped out from under him on eBay by suckitbag2007. Supposedly he finally got one for around $250. Greg Machotka seemed a little stoked for him, because really what would he do with a 17th one>

~4.
I got a call from an old friend, Nate Moe. We used to be real close. He said he couldn't go on the American Way. He closed the shop, sold the house, and bought a ticket to the west cost. Now he gives them a stand up routine in LA.

~5.
Kennedy was rocking out at the Summerfest grounds recently. This should be expected with a second-night headlining trio of Styx, Foreigner, and Def Leppard. He called me midway through "Bringin' on the Heartache" to tell me how stoked he was that the drummer has only one arm, like Karl. He then suggested the two meet. Kennedy always was trying to play matchmaker.

~6.
LV is still without a job and was pretty stoked to be standing in the NY state unemployment line, under a sign that read "ODB slept here." Donn Moe is losing respect for her more and more every minute.

~7.
Grundy Van Grundy has popped up in the news again. Following the speculation that the Carlyle group is moving to take Virgin Media Private, Grundy is offering $33 to any lady who wants to take his virginity. Geiser, who is brokering the deal, wanted to let Matty Schieffer know he would accept an IOU or a one-month membership to that busted YMCA, so long as it comes with the Nautilus pass.

~8.
Last minute cancellation notice! it seems Rachel has again gone beyond the voice of reason and become a funcrusher as she has made Colby cancel his 4th of July party and the order for 23 malnourished tigers. This year's party promised to be the best with the Lord of the Flies theme and location on a 750 square foot island in the middle of Lake Bellesby

~9.
Recently singled Dave Mahots has been running around with a crew of Lake Mendota marina sluts. He's quite fond of one they just call The Tugboat, but doesn't understand the tattoo of Blaze on her upper arm, and the serious KMFDM obsession.

~10.
Travis Schoen has been MIA lately as he is working to get Scotty Dreager written into the book of Mormon. His argument, and pretty much the best I've ever heard is, "Why not? Scotty D doesn't exist either…Oh c'mon…Seriously, I've got more faith in that story where Pooh gets stuck in the hole and has to go on a no-honey diet. And that crap had talking a owl and a donkey with a busted tail."

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