Apple IIe, or, I was thinking we could maybe catch the free showing of Ghost and then dinner at the Olive Garden

~   Eau Claire Rumor Report v2.7     previous | next

~1.
Karl Sheerar has been brought back from LEO to conduct some experiments with CERN at the Large Hadron Collider. Really to call it an experiment is a bit misleading. There is a small bet to be settled. It seems they are going to fill all seventeen miles of the super-collider with smoke. A drained lake nearby will act as the bowl, and he is going to have to clear the whole thing in one pull. There is a lot of buzz saying it will never happen, but I've got faith in the now 30-year-old Sheerar. I remember in 1995 when he used Fermilab as a wake and bake session and proved the existence of the top quark, flashed his grill, and just went back to shaking his dreads. Science bitches.

~2.
Stephen Cleary is packing up his bags and heading out on a cross-country trip. Recently he was reminiscing with me about his last big voyage. He lit out from Reno and was trailed by twenty hounds, he didn't get to sleep that night until the morning came around. He had set out running but he took his time, a friend of the devil was a friend of his, if he got home before daylight he may have even gotten some sleep that night. Damn hippie.

~3.
Many of you probably didn't notice or have already forgotten but Fidel Castro was a no show at the May Day Celebrations in Cuba. Coincidently, GrundyVan Grundy was recently a no-show for dinner with Geiser at El Patio. However the coincidences stop there. Leaving the May Day celebration a Cuban citizen went home, thought about what this means for communism in world, and fell asleep hungry. Geiser ordered two meals and didn't even eat the second, just threw it on the floor and reveled in capitalism for another day.

~4.
Kennedy started a myspace page. Strangely enough under the "who I would like to meet" heading, it doesn't say anything about marina sluts.

~5.
Colby's stance on the war on Iraq has cost him his position as President of the Cannon Falls High School Alumni Association. Deacon seems to be the obvious replacement and promises to keep Cannon Football totally good.

~6.
LV has been searching for a new domain name. She was a little upset that lemonparty.org was already taken, because besides lodge pimping, knitting, culture corrupting, and all other fundamental EKDK activities she's really into threesomes of elderly gay men. Actually that's typical EKDK style.

~7.
Inspired by all of his favorite celebrities Travis Shoen has decided he too is going to adopt. From his summer home in Port Washington he said "the world is over crowded anyway. And I've got a lot of room in my heart. I've probably got room for a couple. Twins even." Meanwhile both Amy and Brian seem to be a bit on edge lately and for some reason can't get the word "kidnapping" out of their minds.

~8.
Greg's roommate thinks that last one went too far.

~9.
Matty Schieffer is trying out for next season's "The Bachelor" because he wants to get it down to the last few broads and totally blow that shit up Elimidate style. He also believes that "...all those chicks probably do anal. Especially that one Bevin from this season. I mean come on, how many ways can you spell whore?"

~10.
Zagbeast Holland is totally going to hook me up for putting him in the rumor report.

~11. (yes, 11)
Nate Moe has found himself in a spot of trouble at work lately. While his computer was being routinely searched for illicit material the IT team gained access to his google spreadsheets linked to google maps outlining potential locations for missile silos. All of this seems to be part of a bigger operation codenamed DCF: Defend Chippewa Falls. Other files in the folder had tips on how to win at Stratego, militia management techniques, and a killer quiche recipe from Scotty Draeger's mom, which debunks the whole thing.

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