Cheeseburger in Paradise, or, A Five Second Sniff of Hot Garbage

~   Eau Claire Rumor Report v2.6     previous | next

Greetings all!
Perhaps you remember me, it is your old friend and source for any worthwhile breaking news, Ye Olde Rumorator. I know it has been some time since we last spoke but that can be accounted for with two swift excuses. The first being I have been out on safari. The second being that the people you read about and those I write about are really quite drab. Imagine if this was a daily blog and each entry was--

"Kennedy woke up, ate some golden grahams launched another unsuccessful eBay bidding campaign for some Japanese schoolgirl's underwear. After the loss he got smashed up on PBRs and fell asleep watching Malcolm in the Middle."

I don't think you would read such trash. I seriously doubt many of you read such trash when I put it out monthly. Not that I blame you. You are better off trying to get money from those Nigerians who constantly send you emails. That lot has got a tighter wallet than my old man.

As I was saying, I've been off traveling. And I must say, "How the times haven't changed." The last true voyage I took was some years ago when I rode the old locomotive into South Dakota. Indian country out there. I was going to look at some large rock, into which, a man I knew was carving the faces of the presidents. Anyway the lad wanted money. I suggested he replaced the presidents with Joey, Johnny, Dee Dee, and Tommy. I could tell by the blank look on this chap's face the he did not possess the same ability to foresee the future as me. And even if he had, the Ramones surely would have melted his face.

In those days I was told in the future we would be moving about in spaceships, not these crap aeroplanes I had the misfortune of riding in. What's worse, my advisor suggested I fly coach, to spend some time with the common folk. I recommend against this for anyone flying into the Beehive state. Mormon country out there.

I began to look suspiciously at each person on the plane, trying to figure out who was and wasn't a saint from the latter days. Figures, the man next to me was, and not one of those simple white button-up, converter mormons. This guy was full on Fundamental. Six wives. I could read it in his eyes as he offered me a flip-though of his Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. That, coupled with the 50-year stewardess in a teenager's pose, was nearly enough to give this old man thoughts of younger days.

As a Rumorator, I would have preferred to sit first class. But I was stuck with the plebeians. Their loud southern accents, crying babies, and desire to read the complimentary issue of World Traveler. This time it featured John Cougar Mellencamp. It was with mixed emotions I found the latest issue of the New Yorker in the magazine pocket. Of course I had already packed the same issue as reading material. It gave me hope that there were others like me in coach, but then I was saddened again as I realized no one was obviously cleaning this aeroplane.

Ahh enough about my journeys, shall we get to the facts.

~1.
NASA has overlooked Karl' Sheerar's contribution to space exploration again. On Saturday, April 21st Michael Lopez–Alegria returned from a stint as commander of the International Space Station. He is celebrated as the having spent the most consecutive days in space at 215. This clearly is an affront to the Hot Karl. Karl had this to say, via shortwave radio "Fuck that! 215 days isn't nothing. I've been out of this world since like my junior year of high school. And I don't need a space station, just a pack of rizlas and healthy hook-up. I'll take your ass to Pluto, and that shit isn't even a planet anymore."

~2.
Dave Mahots is planning to graduate from the University of Wisconsin in a few short weeks. However I say "planning to" because it seems bootleg copies of his dissertation have been leaked. I got my from a store at 40th and Capital and it cuts out after the first few tracks but I've got serious doubts about anything with an opening line "I mean look at Guiding Light—how many times did Reva die?"

~3.
I always assumed Matty Schieffer was comfortable with his baldness, but apparently not. It seems without telling anyone he had been sneaking off at night. But like all dirty secrets he couldn't hide this one forever. After he came home, seriously beaten, he told us about how he had gone to Mohawk Town. The sun was high and his mouth was dry so he walked into this saloon, ordered himself some Red Eye, he knew he'd be done soon. He couldn't quite remember what had happened after that. But I lost all sympathy for him, because you know, even if he rolled into town and pulled his cowboy hat down, everyone knows a skinhead and skinheads aren't allowed in Mohawk Town. -------Thank you, this next song is called Anarchy Burger, Hold the Government.

~4.
Grundy Van Grundy has been relaxing at home for the first time in months. While he is relieved to be off the campaign trail, he is also saddened by the lost opportunity to be the next president of France. Analysts speculate he will throw his support to Segolene Royal. Though how much help that may be is unknown, as even Le Pen received more votes. Seriously, Grundy got less votes than a man whose sole purpose on the earth is to comfort others in knowing "at least I am not as much of a crazy racist as Le Pen." This is the thanks one receives for running on the platform of "Me and Trev will run this country like Gene Hackman and Roy Schieder, but not French Connection 2 cause that was some weak sauce."

~5.
I received a broken telegram from A. Love in New Zealand. He is reporting that the winter there is great, though he is thinking about foregoing the snowboard all together next year and just blowing his whole allowance on outerwear and cigs to assure proper lodge pimping. There is specualtion that Stephen Cleary maybe picking him up on he Eesa team, because this seems right up their alley.

~6.
Greg Machotka was a bit roughed up in a bar recently. Using his old, and quite lame joke, he responded to the bartender's inquiry of "what can I get you?" with, "bring me the head of John the Baptist!" Unknown to Machotka was this bartender was a Mandaean. The Bartender, a SEIU member, was quoted "John the Baptist did not remain in his mother's womb for nine months, nine days, nine hours, and nine minutes before being born through her mouth, only to have this fool mock him. I am a descendent of Noah and Shem and I have spoken." This outburst is uncommon as the Mandeaen religion forbids them to engage in any form of violence. But I guess I can understand because that Greg is an asshole. The Mandeaens also believe the Christians have secret rites in which they worship a female donkey with three legs, and Zorastrians (like Freddie Mercury) are those who sleep with their mothers and sister, eat the dead, and who take vows of silence and abort their babies. Which is some pretty sweet shit.

~7.
Nate Moe has been making a killing slinging crap on EBay. The amazing part about this is that he is doing so with the worst product descriptions I have ever read. For example "Human Soul in a Jar—if you doubt this auction I will take your soul and sell it as well. The cycle is endless and you will be damned for eternity. Buy it now for $59.95"

~8.
News coming out of the EKDK SLC Bureau is gloomy to say the least. It seems the member of the faction that is not LV has acquired a car with which she simply adds and adds to the pollution inversion problem. Seems rather shortsighted considering this dwarf claims to make her money crafting stocking caps, or beanies as the suckahs call them.

~9.
Colby has a new plan for next winter. Being as he seems to be getting broken off before season even start lately he is planning to have Rachel shatter his patella with a hammer sometime around mid-August. This way he figures he should be back in action by January. Just in time to enjoy that fine Minnesota winter. Geiser has claimed that if Colby gets in more that three days next season he'll run that little fuck into a tree for us.

~10.
Deacon Deacon is, as always, blowing it up on the St. Paul front. For Earth Day he organized Burn Outs for Cleaner Air, which was a huge success for people who came in from the suburbs. And if that wasn't enough he then through a party where they staged a re-enactment of Earth Liberation Front's burning the Two Elks Lodge at Vail with a life size lodge made of resins, compliments of 3M. That shit is still smoldering.

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