Good Fences Make Good Neighbors, or, No Irish Need Apply

~   Eau Claire Rumor Report v2.5     previous | next

St Patrick's Day is creeping up on us. Casa Von Rumorstein is completely decorated and ready to hold the party of the year. But when you are pushing 100 years old and live alone, save for a couple of servants and the Thai boys I keep chained in the cupola, the party of the year consists of me sitting down to watch The Vertigo before I fall asleep dreaming of Kim Novak. Then in the middle of the night I will find my way to the bathroom and will see the four-leaf clover nightlight, and think to myself, "Huh, the servants really out-did themselves this year."

Really, I quite enjoy St. Patrick's Day because I am not a fan of snakes. Perhaps the story of St. Patty's day is a bit better known in other circles, but I don't know it apart from the snake jive. My mother, Mama O'Rumor, rest her soul, was Irish and Catholic, a wicked combo. Anyways I asked her one-day, "What did old St. Pat do?" Turns out the man just drove all the snakes out of Ireland. I guess it stayed that way until the turn of the twentieth century too, but I suggest we turn to James Joyce to discuss those snakes.

Celebrating this guy with a holiday where we go out and get smashed-up is fitting. Given the caveat of how drunk I tend to be each March 17th, I think it's best there are no snakes around. If I'm stumbling home and come across some serpent all coiled up and hissing at me, I'm probably just going to give up. That is not a fight I need in my life. Especially if I am so in the drink that this thing has two heads. YIKES!

While you're toasting Irish snake wranglers, let me catch you up on some of our other friends.

~1.
Karl Sheerar is on day 334 of Low Earth Orbit. Recently NASA sent him up a beta test of the new Katamari Damacy for PS3, but he has yet to play it. According to Karl, "I'll just keep rolling and rolling stuff and pretty soon someone will be like 'well done Karl you've rolled all the pineapples and bears and thumbtacks out of our island village!' Well fuck that. I'm not doing their dirty work. I'm not going to let them Ender's Game me."

~2.
Kennedy and PK got smoked to the bejesus Tuesday and went out combing the suburbs for some Crystal Pepsi. PK supposedly knew of a place that still carried it, out by Minnetonka. In the end, Kennedy got a new lighter, and PK got a 20oz coke, a bag of combos, and a hand job from someone he refers to as the Speedway Petrol Troll. Never found that Crystal Pepsi though.

~3.
Grundy Van Grundy is in South Korea working on the new laws governing robotics. He has been pushing for the Asimov Doctrine as set forth in 1942. The only amendment he is seeking is one requiring all robots be able to split into five lions, like Voltron. But he has also lobbied heavily for exemptions regarding Roombas, Scoobas, Real Dolls, and Fleshlights.

~4.
A. Love is just breaking news to us that the 2007 snow season is just beginning in New Zealand, never mind that I have already ordered my 2008 boots. Nate Moe seems unable to wrap his mind around this and is claiming a time warp. He is suggesting Love go meet the 12 year-old Nate and tell him not to bother collecting all those Shawn Kemp rookie cards.

~5.
Greg Machotka spent some time in Duluth recently, and is wondering when they installed that huge lake up there. Really all he ever noticed was the snow and those worthless strip clubs that don't even serve alcohol, but where they are totally naked. Trust me it's pretty hard to see the lake when some 15 year-old run-away has her boobs in your face and the bouncer is beating you with a pool cue because you obviously missed the "no touching" sign on the door. You win some you lose some.

~6.
Nate Butterfield wants you to call him. 608-669-3599.

~7.
The Travis/Norm Bush/Chavez parallels continue. As Chavez was socializing Venezuela's oil fields, Norm had grabbed the tapper at the P-Dub Brew Pub and was giving out free pints. Meanwhile GW Bush was in Sao Paulo talking about ethanol and Trev was dancing around in a mardi gras mask and a speedo, like a one-man pride parade.

~8.
The Bureau in SLC has kicked off the EKDK Morning Show starring LV and The Midget. It is suspected no one will tune in, but they will self-perpetuate. If there is anything the EKDK knows it's self-perpetuation. And dry humping.

~9.
Geiser headed up to Deacon's for St Patty's day a bit early this year. Like the Norwegians with Christmas, St Patty's has been in full swing in St. Paul since last April. This would explain the never-ending smell of piss and the abundance of spots of green vomit in that town. Honestly I've lived in the south and it's shit, but that town is starting to make Charleston and flying cockroaches seem appealing.

~10.
Colby is all pissed off because he was in the reptile garden at the zoo with Rachel. This dude kept coming around with a python on his shoulders asking if they wanted to hold it. Finally Colby told the guy to get lost, and then turned to Rachel and demanded his own holiday for being Irish and chasing all the snakes away. They bought a sixer of High Life on the way home. Wooohooo!

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