Post Lame Show, or, Here, Try and Fill My Mouth

~   Eau Claire Rumor Report v2.4     previous | next

Breaking news from the Castle von Rumorstein—people are fucking weak these days. Frostbite is no joke, but come on. It seems global warming is effecting us on two fronts--not only are we melting the ice caps, but also our society is raising a whole generation of pussies. Schools all across the land are cancelled today on account of what has been deemed "extreme weather." It seems meteorologists have found a way to cash-in on the already dead "Extreme" trend. I remember when 5 degrees was warm. Shit I would go sledding in -20, when I was but a wee lad. In fact the only time I didn't go out because of the cold was last week. I was lying in bed thinking, "I should head out on the porch and spark this bad boy." But I threw the covers back and then was "whoa, not so fast there, Cochise." It was a bit cold, but I had just woken up and was pushing a mean morning wood too. So I blazed it under the covers and dutch-ovened myself. Then I just kicked back, lifted the back on the old Craftmatic Adjustable, and watched Maury Povich for like 6 hours. That show makes me happy. If I got dragged on there and accused of being some Baby's daddy I would simply state that for any broad to have gotten preggers by me she would have to admit to rubbing against this. Then I would remove my shirt, revealing a withered old frame covered in psoriasis, and pustular lesions.

Apart from all of this. we, readers of the rumor report, need to give a big congratulation to the newest member of the crew mister Andy Love. Keep your rumorator open to find out what A. Love has been up to. Alright, here goes.

~1.
Treason seems to be the latest scandal surrounding Karl Sheerar. Three days before he was supposed to restart NASA training, Karl was reported working with the Chinese space program. He was apparently lured away with a modest living stipend and Three HP dot matrix printers. I heard those Chinese ladies are loving him, and have actually taken to calling him the "Amercian man with genitals of little boy", or in their language—Nat Mo. Of course, as his manager, Nate Butterfield will be taking 7% and a pack of Newports.

~2.
Colby broke his talus recently. Initial claims were that the injury occurred when he came up short on a gaper. The story is now that the talus was broken when Rachel hit it with the tone, while listening to Tish's "Billy Breathes" album, on the tonograph.

~3.
Steven Cleary recently returned from the SIA show in Las Vegas where all the industry big wigs were showing off new gear. However, what impressed Cleary the most was that "the hookers can come right to your room and no one asks any questions. Until you try to bill it to fuelTV, then everyone is like 'fuck that, they're a fucking junkshow anyway.' And I end up sitting there alone, on the edge of the bed, in a tiger suit made of silk." Clearly is a weirdo.

~4.
Travis Shoen has announced his bid for the presidency in 08. Meanwhile Trev's most staunch critic, Norman, has come out against Shoen's "solutions" for over-population. Trev's advisors are still looking to find a proper spin for "The right side of genocide."

~5.
Unaware that WWII has long been over, A. Love has been reportedly dropping bombs all over Japan. The New Zealander snuck in, went "bape-shit" and totally pwned the place. Then he went home and probably told the whole story with a goffy accent and funny faces, scoring tons of chicks. Nice work by the EndZed General.

~6.
Brian and Nikki Spurgeon had a baby daughter, which is good except that the kid came out looking like Geiser. Now before anyone gets any crap idea like this is a joke about Geiser sleazing around a bit, I feel I should specify that the new born girl actually came out "about 5'10" with a wanna-be jewfro, a bottle of whiskey under it's arm, and a cock the size of New Hampshire." Spurgeon is claiming a good gene pool. I think it comes from living in Baltimore. Kieffer can't wait to meet this kid.

~7.
Unimpressed with the X-games this year, and inspired by the films of Chan-wook Park, Deacon Deacon has created "extreme banking." Initial reports are of "payroll deposit, and my own liver, which I cut out myself using nothing but a letter opener. Do it! Or I make you eat razor blades."

~8.
Greg Machotka spent the other day trolling the third-ward furniture galleries for a just-right chaise lounge. Reports are that he actually ran into Scotty Dreager. Following a few seconds of amazement, Greg admitted it was an honor to finally meet Dreager. Then after some small talk, Machotka asked what Scotty was there for. "Oh I'm just here looking for a good milking station for my Unicorn." 'Not fucking real," Machotka screamed, and Dreager disappeared in a cloud of fact. Everyone knows a Unicorn's teats are not for milking. They are for booby-humping, which leads to eternal life and winning Powerball numbers.

~9.
Matty Schieffer is in Jerusalem for work. Interestingly enough, I never knew Matt was paid to crack anti-Semitic jokes and blow up cafés. PS. Colby's mom knows you are a racist, and doesn't want you coming to the Fourth of July party this year.

~10.
Nate Moe spent like three weeks laughing about the "Dick in a Box" skit on Saturday Night Live, but his wife Amanda grew quite sick of it as Nate's re-enactments evolved into "Dick in a bottle of vitamins that you were about to take," 'Dick in the hot wax from those damn votive candles you are always burning, " "Dick in a white wine reduction sauce with a fantastic mango chutney," and " Dick in the rear of the mildly retarded 47 year-old man down the hall while you were away at work."

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