Pranging in the New Year, or, Your Standard Upskirt Affair

~   Eau Claire Rumor Report v2.3     previous | next

Oh fucking hell. Here we are 2 days deep into 2007 and this entire shit storm has been pitched ass up. Let's review the past two days here at La Casa de Rumorator.

As the new year rolled in I found myself in the suburbs giving communion to a moose/Santa Claus/plushie. It wouldn't take the body of Christ, however I suspect had the plushie come to life and taken said host, my past few days would have been slightly worse. After being rejected by the moose I turned to the family (not my family mind you, as they all perished in war) dog, who gladly became a catholic, then vomited, but then he ate it again- so he's cool in the eyes god.

I woke on the first, didn't like the way I felt, and remembered James Brown had died on Christmas. I went back to sleep. Today I wake and find out that we have some "day of mourning." Check this, we are having a day of mourning for a former president that no one ever elected, so we could all have our media hijacked, forcing us to listen to eulogies given by a president no one should have ever elected, and Henry "Pinochet in 72" Kissinger. Also the stock markets are closed, so day-trading was right out. Then again what good is it when your portfolio is seven slices of pizza and a half finished Michelob Ultra. There is no mail, so no hope in getting a new issue of Us Weekly. Then I check my phone. 1 new message. Check it. Oh look I just watched Saddam Hussein hanged. Head to the bathroom to vomit. I've destroyed many a soul during my stint as Rumorator, but to watch a man die is a scary thing. Anyway text me if you want to see it. 608-692-4734.

So thus far GWB and I are tied for ruining days this year, but he still owes me for 2002-06. Anyway on to what everyone's holiday season was all about.

~1.
Karl Sheerar gave us one of those wonderful "art imitates life moments." In which he dressed up as Santa Claus, went to deliver presents at the sorority house, and, with a little help from a couple of dudes with cheap moustaches dressed as elves, sexed-up every broad in the place. Just like in the movies I watch.

~2.
David Machotka and Nate Butterfield had a chance encounter recently at a party. Butters was pissed because Dave blew his cover. That dude totally thought he was Serena Williams too.

~3.
Travis Shoen was publicly dissed by Brian Norman, again. Trev was at the Port Washington Brew Pub Chistmas night. Norm stepped in with some sweet shell toes and declared his shoes to be "funky fresh." People agreed and Trev went back to sipping his Heineken alone, ashamed and wearing dunks. However later in the eve, people noticed that Norm was also sporting some fat Lee denim, which never really got around to being cool again.

~4.
Grundy Van Grundy got a bit misty eyed as 2007 rolled in and he was pondering the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne. He never really realized what it meant, but he knew deep down, that Carson Daily was probably NBC's biggest mistake.

~5.
Stephen Cleary has been looking at predicted global warming charts and decided it is best to close up shop on Eesa Clothing. However there are rumors in the works that next year's hot new company will be Eesa Outerwear. It will essentially be the same gear, but it's warmer now so who really needs jackets, or snow for that matter.

~6.
Colby called me today to talk about this whole Ford thing. Not the junk president, but this whole 0% interest for 60 months thing, because he's really looking at picking a clearance Taurus.

~7.
That oh-so-classy recluse Greg Machotka was a bit confused as he woke up New Years day staring at a cryptic message scrolled on his ceiling. He is still trying to make sense of "Nate Moe's answering machine guttersluts." So confused.

~8.
Scotty Draeger threw the Holiday Party of the year, and everyone was there. What's that you say? You didn't make it? Don't feel bad. The party, just like Scotty D and his eyes that make women (and even some old fiction writers) melt and give into a couple of nights of hot passion, isn't even real.

~9.
Kennedy popped the question to his long time lover. Sadly PK turned around, just sat down and said he was too tired and drunk give him a hand job.

~10.
Matt Schieffer just wanted to let everyone know he has been watching a shit load of CSI lately so when he commits a crime he is probably going to get away with it. Just like the time he almost got away with keeping Lumpy from his mother. Remember Matty, Mommy wants some sexy.

Tax time is here, I'm taking donations.

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