Hang Overs and Handjobs, or, The Brittany Spears White Trash Channukah

~   Eau Claire Rumor Report v2.2     previous | next

A good day to all of you. It has been quite some time since we last connected, and I am sure some of you were wondering, nay hoping, that the ECRR had simply faded away. Gone the way of the dinosaur, the dodo, and the catholic schoolgirl. I trust this installment will put a halt to such concerns. Frankly the ECRR finds itself slower these days at it seems my hands are constantly in a pair of mittens, which make it horribly hard to type. Though if you were to ever pay me a visit you would certainly hear the facts, hourly, straight from the Rumorator 9000.

Just to clear the air regarding the mittens, I have not been out shooshing down the slopes, nor putting out the vibe at the chalet. No, that is not what a Rumorator does. For it is oven mittens that have been enrobing my lying hands. Since Thanksgiving, that gluttonous holiday used to perpetuate the sickening concept of manifest destiny from Massachusetts to California, I have been baking Christmas cookies. Perhaps you find it funny that a Rumorator 9000, designed to spread lies, break hearts and homes, and put the sleaze on those chalet whores, would celebrate the most Christian of holidays. To be honest (though do you really trust a false fact factory?) I am in it only for the presents, and if that cockass Nate Buttefield doesn't "gift" me some pics of his sister, it's going to be god damned ragnarok.

Okay blah blah blah, read it, send me money, we want to make a video version.

~1.
The Space Shuttle recently docked with the international space station, or so they claim. I had the unique pleasure of watching the docking with Karl Sheerar on his closed circuit NASA television. In case you have forgotten, Karl was originally to be resident zero-G expert on this mission but was removed from the flight, after demanding the rest of the crew refer to him as Mortwers from sector 37, in the dragonfly nebula. Like that would have all fit on a name badge.

~2.
Kieffer has been reaping the benefits of clinical testing as of late. He claims his hearing has improved and he has erections all the time. This has been hell for Geiser. That's right Chris Geiser I just called you a catcher, you bleeding ass bitch. WOOOOHOOOO!

~3.
Colby recently bought a couple of rabbits and is planning on breeding them. According to Griggs "Somebody in this house needs to be making babies" he then shot a glare to his wife Rachel. She should have stabbed him in that eye long ago.

~4.
Stephen Cleary sent me a balloon in the mail, and a mix CD, which was cool. But I can't understand why all the mail comes to me addressed from the Vermont State Penitentiary. Perhaps it had something to do with his letters that used to come to me postmarked in blood that read "right behind you."

~5.
Deacon Deacon, after being belittled in previous rumor report, has been seen about town with some flashy new duds. Gone are the Dockers, and the Dockers, and the Dockers, and the Dockers. The fine folks at Stepping Out—St. Paul caught pics of the reverend in "some trendy black jeans, and a denim shirt, with a real rock-n-roll jean jacket." It seems what's cool in St. Paul is called "Canadian" everywhere else. I suspect he was still wearing the Eastland chukka boots.

~6.
I'm not sure what Nate Moe has been up to but I will give the transcript of our last conversation.
>>Nate: Hey I'm changing the way I eat.
>>Rumorator: I hope you aren't going vegan, my brother did that
and it ruined Christmas.
>>Nate: No, but what do you call it when you consume only human souls?
>>Rumorator: Fucking Awesome.
>>Nate: Good. Tell Matt Schieffer he's first.

~7.
Brian "Hugo Chavez jr" Norman celebrated the death of former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet by throwing bricks at Travis Shoen's windows. It seemed fitting as Trevor was inside dining with Henry Kissinger. Some in Washington believe it won't be long before we see military action from the Shoen/Bittner camp to bring down the Normans, and seize power in P-Dub.

~8.
Scotty Draeger has been aching for this new piece of crap Eragon movie to come out. This is something I feel is fitting. A fictitious person going to see some lame fantasy movie, taken from not-a-real book. Really I can't believe anyone bought this book for $16.95, forget about the fact that somebody in Hollywood paid a few million for it. Fucking Lord of the Rings knock off. I mean in sixth grade I took a magic marker to the cover a Bukowski novel, and you know what, I'm still waiting to wake up in a squat, hung over, with some sleaze in bed next to me.

~9.
Kennedy and his firm, Kennedy Acquisitions, have entered the "sin" industry. Wednesday the firm, purchased "Chairlifter 2: The Dirty Sanchez" for an undisclosed cash amount. PK, VP of marketing, claimed the purchase would be held privately, with showings usually after Amy goes to bed. Unless Josh has been drinking.

~10.
Grundy Van Grundy was recently kicked off the set of America Next Top Male Model. He wasn't a contestant, just the creepy guy hanging out just off stage left, whispering to the models as they walked by.

Next time will be better, sorry.

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