St. Thanksgiving, Patron Saint of Land Rights

~   Eau Claire Rumor Report v2.1     previous | next

Behold!!!
Here in the castle of the rumorator things have been a bit hectic, what with Festivus and all. And let me tell you this year has been the greatest Festivus to date. Though it has been sad to see our prophet Michael Richards fall so far as of late. Nonetheless, the celebration went on. 21 Days and counting, really by this point if I stop drinking my hands just shake. This should account for any spelling errors you may find in this issue.

This also is a milestone for the ECRR, if you are so lucky as to find a hard copy you will notice it is actually the ECRR and Gazetter, complete with a map on how to reach a treasure buried by Nate Moe. I do, however, use the term "treasure" loosely. By which I mean a couple of old penthouse mags, some dud bottlerockets, a starwars x-wing micromachine, and some drakkar noir samples from the Marshall Field's fragrance counter. And by "buried" I mean stashed in the nightstand at his bedside.

Anyway enough of this small talk. Welcome to the holiday season and to the ECRR.

~1.
In preparation to send Karl Sheerar back into Low Earth Orbit NASA has hired Lance Armstrong to be Karl's personal trainer. The first few days went well, but last anyone saw of either of them they were getting crullers down at the Greenbush, and planning on playing some PS3. Karl will be returning to LEO just after the new year.

~2.
Colby Took some time off from work this past week to cruise over to Matty Schieffer's house. On his way there he rolled through a stop sign at about 25 mph, stole the right-of-way at 28th and Lyndale, making a left in front of a car heading straight, crapped in Matt's toilet, and left without flushing. So to get it right, Colby did a South Philly Slide into a Pittsburgh Left to a Truckstop Christmas. That's like 5000 points.

~3.
Grundy Van Grundy spent Thanksgiving camped outside the Ojibwa Room in the Davies Center. He was there for 3 days just hanging out "Smoking the peace pipe with Cochise" without incident. But was removed after he tried to show some female high school seniors, who were touring the University, the pros and cons of missionary position and syphillis.

~4.
Stephen Cleary has been raving nonstop about Seabiscut, and has yet to comment on being included on the rumor report.

~5.
Travis Shoen has been playing Joey to The Norman's Chandler and Monica. This may seem like a weak start, but is actually quite fitting given Trevor's failed monkey-movie career, Brian is still working on that pain killer addiction, and Amy once danced on stage while Geiser did a sweet karaoke version of Dancing in the Dark.

~6.
Scotty Draeger is currently museum shopping to exhibit his collection of Anne Geddes inspired photos. The one I find most disturbing involves Dreager dressed in a pantless tiger costume, soaking in a bird bath while a condor circles over head and a toucan is perched on his leg, pecking at his genitals.

~7.
For those of you who have seen Deacon Deacon driving around Minneapolis with George Muresan, and want the inside scoop--Deacon has recently given up on designing household products to make your life easier and dedicated his life to producing a sequel to 1998's "My Giant". Given the success of the orignal I have to question Deacon's plans here, but then again I told him no one would ever buy a little something called the fleshlight.

~8.
Kennedy has been doing some amazing topiary work and getting tons of praise for it. While accepting the the key to the city (just for the knob, not the deadbolt) he stressed the importantance of beautifying hiding places for pushers and voyeurs all over this great city. His next project will be to build a treefort just outside the girls locker room window at the YMCA.

~9.
Kiefert has placed an ad on Cedarberg Public Access which has him singing "Baby Got Back Pain" to the tune of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back." His business is up 19%. Sadly the same success can not be claimed by Greg Machotka, who's latest online dating ad features him mocking Billy Ocean with "get out of my dreams, get into my car, I'm sorry it's kind of a mess, I just don't drive that often, let me turn down the public radio so we can talk, I know I have a lisp and I mumble, but I'm working on it, what are you into? That's cool. Are those real?"   
  
~10.
In response ot those who want updates on the female portion of the EC crowd, I give you this quote from Gordon Guthrie, "There were chicks in EC? that surprises me cause everyone I hung out with was so gay. I'm so amped."

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