The Hiatus is Over

~   Eau Claire Rumor Report v2.0      | next

Greeting all, It has been sometime since we were all brought together like this. Since August 9, 2004, if I am not mistaken. I'm sure in that time some of us have moved on, changed emails, changed names, or perhaps even sexes (where has Kirsch been?), but I digress, for we are all here, now, virtually. And I do beg that if anyone is missing from the email list please forward this on to them. Or in the case of Karl Sheerar, please have my associates at NASA pass this along.

Anyway back on point. On August 9, 2004 there was a very drunk Grundy Van Grunsven sitting, well standing really, near the back bar of the Pioneer Tavern in EC, when he proclaimed "There will never be another EC rumor report until I find a real love, like the kind I often feel for strippers, hand job models, and generally whores of all types."

Well that day has come, and to get on with it I present you with the October 17, 2006 edition of the Eau Claire Rumor Report (I am proposing a name change, perhaps a bit more inclusive for our non EC compadres, please email me any suggestions.)

~1.
Karl Sheerar will be returning home shortly as well. And let me be the first to say "welcome home from zero gravity buddy." For those of you who don't know, Karl was been working on the ISS (international space station). He nobly volunteered to test the effects of sleeping and bologna sandwich eating in zero G for over three years. I can see it now Buzz Aldrin, William Shatner, Sally Ride, and Karl: The Pantheon of great space explorers.

~2.
Grundy Van Grundy, now of Milwaukee, has just return home from a 6-week programming mission in Thailand. And with him he brought back a Thai boy he has named Peter. He claims they are in love and Peter does not contest the point. Then again it's hard to contest much when you are on a strict diet of Dr. McGillacuddy's and your only outfit is a ball gag. This is actually great as it has allowed the rumor reports to resume, and plus he brought me some sweet knock-off Fendi bags to sling on ebay.

~3.
What?

~4.
It seems Greg Machotka has again narrowly escaped persecution. Most of his recent associates, members of the Shining Path, are now facing jail time. As a life sentence was handed down to Abimael Guzman, Machotka was "hanging out, scoping some Peruvian ass, waiting for something to come up." As Guzman's sentencing is really the final chapter of the Peruvian Moaist guerillas, Greg seems at a crossroads. When asked what he was going to do next he responded, "You know I really have got no plans. I've been thinking about making a movie. It's about a bomb on a bus, and if the bus goes below 50mph the bomb is going to blow up. I think it could be pretty sweet." He then lighted another cigarette.

~5.
Since we've mentioned South America. I think it is important to mention the ongoing Norman / Shoen feud. Last week Travis went to The Rock Bottom Brewery for dinner with a very special lady. Two days later Brian "Hugo Chavez jr" Norman stood at the entry way of the eatery/bar, and told the staff that the Devil himself had been in that room, and that "One can still smell the sulfur in the air." Norman next appeared on PortW PublicAccess TV this week challenging Travis to come and fight him, hand-to-hand at the marina. He repeatedly referred to Shoen as "Mr. Danger," and called him a coward, a donkey, and the last of his kind.

~6.
Nate Moe and Colby got married. Gays.

~7.
Kennedy is reporting that he and Scotty Drager have been flipping houses in the Minneapolis metro area. I don't believe this for three reasons. One, Josh has no upper body strength. Two, the housing market there sucks. Three, Scotty Drager is the figment of somebody's imagination.

~8.
Deacon Deacon was last seen leaving the Balenciaga Show during fashion week in Paris. He was wearing a daring sweater vest, with some hot new khakis, and classic boat shoes- all by Dockers. Earlier in the day he was seen getting close with one of the Chanel mannequins.

~9.
Geiser has been summoned to testify in federal court in Washington DC. It seems that in review, the email transcripts between a then 13-year- old senate page and Florida Republican senator Mark Foley, were actually directions Geiser often left for ex-roommate FatJeff. How Senator Foley got a hold of them is beyond me.

~10.
PK has been on a serious pilates kick lately. He claims it helps him become tone, long and lean. Like a dancer. A private dancer. A dancer for money. I'll do what you want me to do. I'm your private dancer. A dancer money. Any old music will do.

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