The entire staff of Libel Inc would like to extend a big "Get Well Soon" to The Midget. She's a great friend and one damn fine snowboarder. So rest up, and we hope to see you this season.
Happy holiday week to all of our U.S. based readers. To all you international folks out there, it is important you know that this week we celebrate the 4th of July, America's independence-from-those-brits/dependence-on-oil day. We all get an extended weekend with which we will drive our trucks, with boats in tow, to a lake. Every body of water in the country pretty much becomes a mirrored image of the traffic around Boston, but with fewer laws. Then we throw in some beers, potato salad, BBQs and explosives for a good time.
Now I know gas prices are high so I'm going to try and save you all a few bucks. Some of you may have heard the legend of the "Scotty Dreager tab." The story goes that if you go into any bar in Wisconsin and ask that the drink be put on Scotty Dreager's tab it gets billed to the fat man in the Brett Favre jersey. Now if there are two or more (not uncommon in Wisconsin) of such characters in any bar the drinks are dispersed evenly. Legend has it Nate Moe took down six Miller Lites, some deep-friend cheese curds, and a bacon-burger with fries at a Buffalo Wild Wings during the Packers loss to the Eagles in the 2003 divisional playoff game. None of the Favre-jersey clad patrons noticed the extra charges on their bill.
Try it this week, but first read this:
~1.
Having been grounded indefinitely by NASA Karl Sheerar has tuned his unfathomable mental ability on a more earthly study. Sheerar is supposedly knuckle deep in a research paper on plate tectonics. His latest observations include the earthshaking news that just last night the Sheerarian plate slipped away from its convergent boundary with the couch plate, briefly collided the pizza-delivery-guy plate, and slid along the no-tip-because-I-hate-catholics fault, before recoiling to the couch plate. Which is conveniently in front of the Playstation plate.
~2.
Looking for more useless ways to pass his days in (f)unemployment, Greg Machotka has started a can collection. I asked him about it recently, and specifically why no bottles. "Well, Rumorator," Machotka replied, "First off bottle collections are for Frat Boys. Who cares if I've got a 1.75 liter Jager bottle with a damn candle, half melted, sticking out of the top. Fuck that, next thing you know I'd have Zagbeast Holland over here telling me how great the Rothbury Festival is going to be. Nah, you see I was raised sneaking into bars in northern Wisconsin. Real gritty places. Hunting bars. All those joints had killer can collections. I mean, I'm starting right here with this sixer of the Banquet Beer. I might even make a pyramid." Machotka seems not only capable of blowing minds, but all future prospects as well.
~3.
Having refuted our love (yes the Rumorator does have a heart), jersey girl, LV, did agree to a sit down to discuss our future. My arguments basically involved tequila shots and blow up dolls. Always the more eloquent of us, LV remined me when I met her in the restaurant I could tell she was no debutante. I asked her what's her pleasure, a movie or a measure? Then she had a cup of tea and told me of her dreaming. After that she got fired up on coke and forgot most of the eighties. I think most of the world thought she was dead before coming back after the turn of the century. These days she just mostly sits by and watches the river flow or the traffic go.
~4.
Hollywood Insider Belgish Super Producer Dan has changed up his "Five groups of people I hate" list. Gone are the 1987 Cinncinati Bengals and the Lacawanna 5. In are celiacs and Haitian boat people.
~5.
Kind of late on the reporting of this one but Colby celebrated his birthday last month. It was all pretty cool and Rachel even took him out to the mall. At first they were just going to hit up the arcade but then stumbled into the shoe store. Apparently Rachel just thought the little guy was so cute when he was asking the salesman about the "treads" and if they were "pretty fast" shoes. Colby got the shoes but he had to promise only to wear them on Sundays or "for good stuff," and he was stoked when he totally got to wear them out of the store.
~6.
Stephen Cleary is thinking up stats to put on the back of the Eesa Team cards. And is probably trying to figure out if America wants the sexy version or the sexier version of the Jacqui Berg card.
~7.
Pridefest came and went here in Milwaukee. Of Course there was the KKK rally to protest it. It seems that the number of klan members and alumnus willing to rally these days is dwindling because the offical protest count was 14. Then off course there was the anti-rally with about 300 people willing to say no to the KKK but not willing to go into the festival grounds and support their gay and lesbian friends and neighbors. I called in, Tali-Anna, Libel Inc's go-to commentator on all things San Francisco, Heebrish, and Elfish. Here's what she said,"I can understand why people didn't want to throw themselves into the belly of the beast. For some people it can be uncomfortable, no matter how much they support their gays and lezzers. Personally I wouldn't have set foot in that place. I mean, did you see that line-up, a 24 hour dance pavilion, Wanda Sykes, and The Indigo Girls. So cliché, Really it's no wonder you people in Wisconsin have a twisted view of the gays."
~8.
The Travis-Norm peace summit went down over this past weekend. Tensions were tight for a while, but by some seemingly act-of-god occurrence, suddenly Cherish came over the sound system and calmed all nerves. The magical moment went down like this.
>>Travis: Damn, Madonna has really fallen off. I mean, sure she was the queen of pop, but give it up.
>>Norm: Ugh! No doubt. I mean just the other day I heard Borderline, La Isla Bonita, and Material Girl. Total Madonna hat-trick. Good Madonna too. Not like that schlock she pumps out these days.
>>Travis: Yeah she's pretty much the new Cher, but even Cher has better tits.
>>Norm: That's gross dude.
~9.
Grundy Van Grundy has a lot of explaining to do these days. First off he gets this "girlfriend" from out of nowhere. That right there was enough to draw out the skeptics. Then when this "girlfriend" referred to Grundy's Roomba, Scooba, and Teddy Ruxpin, as her family, people started talking that perhaps Grundy had built his own robo-lady. I myself was amazed. If this were true, the advanced interactive-voice-response, voice synthesis, and speech recognition were amazing. Lightyears ahead of anything Nemesysco or BBN Technologies is working with. But I digress. The truth was revealed recently whilst Grundy and his girlfriend were caught in a recent downpour. She just froze up and starting singing "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage. But you'll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two."
~10.
A. Love is about to have his winter season kick off at The Remarkables. This has him pretty stoked as there haven't been too many people hanging around the lodge lately. And how many times can you vibe the dude who comes in to do the floors?
~11.
Deacon Deacon stopped by the estate recently, looking to clear up a few things. First and foremost he wanted to let everyone know that Wu-Tang Clan still ain't nutting to fuck with, even though Method Man went soft. Personally, I was shocked to see him as the guy checks in less than Blaze. Last time Double D and I spoke he still thought the Clinton presidency was a good thing for the middle class. As for Blaze, like a good catholic deity, he is always with me. Sometimes I can feel him breathing on my neck.
~12.
There are reports coming in that Matty Schieffer has been washed away in the great deluge of the mighty Mississippi 2008. What's most troubling about this is that he didn't go missing until Saturday afternoon, long after the water had receded. It seems he excused himself to use the restroom and just disappeared. He then called both Kennedy and PK, who he had been having drinks with, and told them he had been washed away by the highwater. Witnesses claim there was definitely the sound of water moving around him, but PK thinks it may have been the toilet. Schieffler also told them they would need to pick up his tab. If any one has seen him please contact us.
~13.
D Machots, still in Seoul, is pissed about the South Korean government's decision to resume selling U.S. beef. Not only is he not keen on a dinner of downer cows, but this definitely ruins 85% of the pick up lines he has been using. Oh well, guess it's back to:
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